North Star

I have been asking myself of what is it am I looking for in life. After almost 29 years living my life, this is the question coming through my mind. Where have I been? Why this question just came in now. 

I keep wondering what should I follow as a guidance. What should I look upon. What is my 'north star'. I am never sure if one thing is good for me while another is not. I am not even sure if something is real. Have you ever wonder why do you exist in the first place? Why God sent you here? To what purpose?

Sometimes I feel like I'm not capable of doing a lot of things. Like if I am gone, does anyone will care? Does anyone will even notice? Is there even one thing they will remember me of? One thing that makes me matter in their lives?

Deep breaths...

deep breaths...

With asterism's little dipper playing in my earphone, I am writing this realizing my position in the universe. Me. One tiny dot in a million other dots walking around non stop as if the world keeps spinning and not stopping even for a millisecond to catch a breath. To rest.

 

The world is so big yet how small you are in it. How insignificant. The world is not always about you. They have other things to do, and it is not always about you.

Looking back when I was a kid, I used to dream of going to a Disneyland. Or to become a nurse, or a doctor. I thought that that's how I can find happiness. Now that I am older, my dream starts becoming more... unsophisticated. 

I have been dreaming of breathing in the warmth of the ocean breeze on the seashore, or the smell of grass on the top of a mountain, facing the sunshine. I am dreaming to find my solitude. To find peace. To find stability. I think that these are my north star. I think I have finally found it.

“not everyone”

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. 

Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, 

to make you feel better for a little while, 

or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. 

Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.

- Emery Allen

“Half”

by Khalil Gibran

Do not love half lovers

Do not entertain half friends 
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life 
and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent

If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it 
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance

Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes

Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results

Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not

Half a life is a life you didn't live, 
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed 
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know

To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you

The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists to live a life 
not half a life

Shooting Star

Yesterday morning, I experienced a one-in-a-million phenomenon.

While I was observing some night-sky objects from my rooftop,

I saw a shooting star.

I was surprised at first

and after a second, I asked myself what to do

What do other people do when they see one?

And then I smiled

and I made a wish.

Two wishes to be exact

two days prior to my twenty-eighth birthday

which I hope to come true this year.

But.... I got distracted by a thought

and then I revoked my wishes.

Because in fact, seeing that particular star, was my dream

The object I used to visualize from novels, or see in pictures

This was my early birthday gift.

The first time in my twenty eight years on Earth, with my own eyes, that I witnessed a shooting star

and that, was the most beautiful 5 seconds of my life.

a lesson learned

a book, had just changed my mind, completely.

have you ever thought about doing it all wrong all this time?

because that is how I exactly feel right now.

I feel dumb, I kept saying "no wonder" all the way

yet I felt relieved that I found this book

where has it been?

where have I been?

I wished I found the book sooner

maybe it will all be better

(or not)

but at least now I do not feel confused anymore

I can finally understand, and feel good about everything,

about myself.

I finally recognized that indeed, I made a mistake

and it is okay

everybody makes mistakes.

Most importantly, I know that there are things I could not change

Shit happens, life goes on

I could not wait to apply this new knowledge in real life.

I wish myself the best of luck :)