"Star"

 by Haemin Sunim

One summer night, I look up and focus on one star out of many.

The star also chooses to look at me, out of all the people on earth.

A meeting between two people is like this, a rare cosmic event.

It is one in a million, a billion, a trillion.

"Snow"

I have never felt the touch of a falling snow, she said, but like love, I know it exists. Somewhere.

- Michael Faudet

North Star

I have been asking myself of what is it am I looking for in life. After almost 29 years living my life, this is the question coming through my mind. Where have I been? Why this question just came in now. 

I keep wondering what should I follow as a guidance. What should I look upon. What is my 'north star'. I am never sure if one thing is good for me while another is not. I am not even sure if something is real. Have you ever wonder why do you exist in the first place? Why God sent you here? To what purpose?

Sometimes I feel like I'm not capable of doing a lot of things. Like if I am gone, does anyone will care? Does anyone will even notice? Is there even one thing they will remember me of? One thing that makes me matter in their lives?

Deep breaths...

deep breaths...

With asterism's little dipper playing in my earphone, I am writing this realizing my position in the universe. Me. One tiny dot in a million other dots walking around non stop as if the world keeps spinning and not stopping even for a millisecond to catch a breath. To rest.

 

The world is so big yet how small you are in it. How insignificant. The world is not always about you. They have other things to do, and it is not always about you.

Looking back when I was a kid, I used to dream of going to a Disneyland. Or to become a nurse, or a doctor. I thought that that's how I can find happiness. Now that I am older, my dream starts becoming more... unsophisticated. 

I have been dreaming of breathing in the warmth of the ocean breeze on the seashore, or the smell of grass on the top of a mountain, facing the sunshine. I am dreaming to find my solitude. To find peace. To find stability. I think that these are my north star. I think I have finally found it.

“not everyone”

Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. 

Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, 

to make you feel better for a little while, 

or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. 

Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.

- Emery Allen

“Half”

by Khalil Gibran

Do not love half lovers

Do not entertain half friends 
Do not indulge in works of the half talented
Do not live half a life 
and do not die a half death

If you choose silence, then be silent
When you speak, do so until you are finished
Do not silence yourself to say something
And do not speak to be silent

If you accept, then express it bluntly
Do not mask it
If you refuse then be clear about it 
for an ambiguous refusal is but a weak acceptance

Do not accept half a solution
Do not believe half truths
Do not dream half a dream
Do not fantasize about half hopes

Half a drink will not quench your thirst
Half a meal will not satiate your hunger
Half the way will get you no where
Half an idea will bear you no results

Your other half is not the one you love
It is you in another time yet in the same space
It is you when you are not

Half a life is a life you didn't live, 
A word you have not said
A smile you postponed 
A love you have not had
A friendship you did not know

To reach and not arrive
Work and not work
Attend only to be absent
What makes you a stranger to them closest to you
and they strangers to you

The half is a mere moment of inability
but you are able for you are not half a being
You are a whole that exists to live a life 
not half a life

Shooting Star

Yesterday morning, I experienced a one-in-a-million phenomenon.

While I was observing some night-sky objects from my rooftop,

I saw a shooting star.

I was surprised at first

and after a second, I asked myself what to do

What do other people do when they see one?

And then I smiled

and I made a wish.

Two wishes to be exact

two days prior to my twenty-eighth birthday

which I hope to come true this year.

But.... I got distracted by a thought

and then I revoked my wishes.

Because in fact, seeing that particular star, was my dream

The object I used to visualize from novels, or see in pictures

This was my early birthday gift.

The first time in my twenty eight years on Earth, with my own eyes, that I witnessed a shooting star

and that, was the most beautiful 5 seconds of my life.

a lesson learned

a book, had just changed my mind, completely.

have you ever thought about doing it all wrong all this time?

because that is how I exactly feel right now.

I feel dumb, I kept saying "no wonder" all the way

yet I felt relieved that I found this book

where has it been?

where have I been?

I wished I found the book sooner

maybe it will all be better

(or not)

but at least now I do not feel confused anymore

I can finally understand, and feel good about everything,

about myself.

I finally recognized that indeed, I made a mistake

and it is okay

everybody makes mistakes.

Most importantly, I know that there are things I could not change

Shit happens, life goes on

I could not wait to apply this new knowledge in real life.

I wish myself the best of luck :)

"Stop waiting for Friday

for summer

for someone to fall in love with you

for life.

Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it

and make the most of the moment you are in now."

Lately I've been waiting...

for good news

for things to change

for things to go back to where they used to be

to go back to where it should be

for the things that never came.

Then I realized, that instead

I should stop waiting...

because when you stop waiting

that's where you find solitude

that's where you find peace.

Have faith that the best is yet to come.

Whether or not you wait.

It will come.

Gratitude

I am feeling grateful for what I have accomplished so far

and that I have the people who show up in times of need.

The people who are becoming my number one cheerleaders.

Those who sit at the front row, who will be the loudest supporter no matter how bad I fail, and stand up the highest to clap whenever I succeeded.

Though I do still grumble sometimes

but every time I remind myself of these people, I hold my head high, and smile.

I have no single reason to feel any sorrow.

I have all I need.

I have enough.

I am enough.

"Faith"

and maybe this won't last, maybe this moment is all we have.

let's find out.

- Andrea Bocelli 

Little Girl

I looked left when the elevator bell dings

and there you are

staring at me

I stared back

Then I waved

smiling under my mask

hoping you can see it from afar

You waved back

whilst smiling under your tiny mask

walking away on your little feet

your head still turned around every second as you walked

it was as if you wanted to get to know me

but your path is on the other side

Hey little girl

I do not know who you are

but your sweet gesture have made my day

and I would not let this memory slip away

So I guess, I will see you again, soon?

Chill Pill

You can not force someone to stay

You can not beg someone to leave

If they want to stay, they will

If they want to leave, they will.

 

But have that talk

and whatever the closure comes

appreciate yourself for being brave enough to bring it up

appreciate their openness for being honest

for their willingness to face it.

Then, take that chill pill.

Because when you care of someone

you will try to understand where they are coming from

and why they choose what they decide

and that no one can change a thing.

 

It is okay to wonder why the universe is somehow cruel

for letting two people who belong to each other know each other

but does not allow them to stay together

for whatever reason.

 

But I realize that this is just how the world works.

So please, take that f-ing chill pill.

"Dream"

by Cinderella

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you are fast asleep

In dreams you will lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling through

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true

there are people that do

“You passed the test, huh? Thank God.”
“Have you eaten?”
“You look healthy.”
“What would you like to eat?”
“Keep it up!”
“Hey I made you some fries and onion rings.”
“Don’t forget to eat!”
“Here a box of danishes for your breakfast tomorrow.”
“How’s your day?”
“Keep the change.”
“I like your hair!”
“Have a good one!”
“Thank YOU.”
“We shall pass this together.”
“Eat your vitamins, and keep yourself hydrated.”
“Mask on!”
“Congratulations! You’re amazing.”
“Take off your mask and get some oxygen back there.”
“Can’t wait to see you soon!”
“It’s alright, don’t think about it.”
“Let me help.”
“Stay safe!”

are words I received lately.

I was too busy wondering why some people do not care of me, while not realizing how many people that actually do.

"Hanya"

oleh Sapardi Djoko Damono

Hanya suara burung yang kaudengar
dan tak pernah kaulihat burung itu
tapi tahu burung itu ada di sana

Hanya desir angin yang kaurasa
dan tak pernah kaulihat angin itu
tapi percaya angin itu di sekitarmu

Hanya doaku yang bergetar malam ini
dan tak pernah kaulihat siapa aku
tapi yakin aku ada dalam dirimu

2020

2020 has been the toughest year for all of us indeed
yet it is also one of the best years I’ve ever been in.

I learn new things.
I see true colors.
I spend time for myself more than I used to.
I see beauty within me and the important humans around me.

Most people wish to have this year ended sooner
Some of them wish to have it skipped over

I, wish to walk in it longer...

"Corner of the World"

by Courtney Peppernell

There is a place I called home

and sometimes it feels like a quite little corner of the world

It is where I live and breathe

and scrawl my feelings on pages

It is where I cry and let down my walls 

on the days I’ve come up empty

and all I do is fall

This corner, filled with comfort and the ones I love

Filled with friendship and ideas always churning

a fire always burning

Each time I venture from this place to board planes 

and take roads I never dreamed possible

All I have to do is close my eyes

and think how safe I feel when I’m here

The light is always on

The kettle always warm

A dog always asleep at my feet

This corner of the world where I never feel alone

It is my home

Time-off

Dear God,

I need a time-off.
As a human.



Would you make me a butterfly?

"Self Dependence vs. Self Love"

by Esther Perel & Matthew Hussey

Make the distinction between self dependence and self love
(especially during this COVID-19 pandemic).

Just because you're on your own
it doesn't mean that you should not reaching out to other people
and forming, and nurturing extremely important relationships during this time
cause you will need them.



How someone running a bath for themselves
cooking a nice dinner for themselves
lighting a candle and eating dinner on their own

A lot of people look at that as like
"That's me loving ME"

No, that's self dependence
That's knowing you can count on yourself
A form of self-reliance.

That's not the same as self love.



Self love is the ability to perceive ourselves with an acceptance
Self love is the ability to look back on a life full of mistake
and regrets
and to be able to let go of those things
and make peace with ourselves
and not beat ourselves up, not bullying, not cajole
not constantly make ourselves feel less
than to truly look at ourselves
the raggedy old bear that we are marked up
and scared
and weathered up by the events of our lives
and say
"I like this bear, this is my bear, it's a good bear,
I'm happy with it, I wouldn't exchange it for any other bear."

That is self love.

And self love, is not mutually exclusive from connecting with other people
What we have to do is to be self dependent during this time, if we are alone
But form connections with other people that help us to survive
and that can only come from us picking up the phone
talking to people
reaching out to other people
being the help for other people we want ourselves
engendering a sense of reciprocity that
those people will also then be thinking of us.

Human

People do, come an go. People do, change.

Sometimes, it is hard for me to absorb, how could things happen.
What makes people decide to do certain things.
What makes them change their minds.

They say, "people don't change", that's true. But in some cases, they do.
Not because they're parents or friends begged them to.
Not because of other people forced them to.
But ONLY because they wanted to.

I sometimes wish that I could read minds, that would be cool.
I don't have to ask them of what was happening when they're laughing, or crying.
I don't have to wonder if they're in the mood of having a conversation.
I don't have to wonder what topic should I discuss on a small talk,
or maybe I don't even have to have one, because I know what's in their thoughts already.
I don’t have to ask them how they feel about me.
I don't have to question them why they leave.

How could some people be straightforward to others?
That would be easier if I could act that way, to just let my heart out every time I need to.
But I don't think that's how I work.
I need to think before I speak,
or act.
I need, time. To digest. To think.

Some people might never intended to do or act a certain way.
No matter how bad or good it is.
Some people might be in a middle of an uncomfortable situation.
Some people might be working under pressure.
Some people might be struggling with things.
Some people might be having a hard time.
Only God knows.

We're human.
We interact.
We think.
We solve things.
We do small talk, whether we like it or not.
We struggle.
We pray.
We emphatize.

For me, that's what makes human, Human.